Baby Countdown & Ramblings

We are officially in the double digits. Less than 100 days until baby girl is scheduled to make her arrival & I am scared shitless.
We have opted to have another scheduled c-section, planned for April 23rd if she doesn’t decide to come on her own before then. To be honest, it wasn’t really a tough decision for me. I really struggled with the idea of having a c-section with Harper, I initially felt really let down at the thought of not being able to deliver her naturally & was also terrified for the procedure itself. We worked through it, I came to terms with things not going as planned (because really, do they ever?) & I decided to leave it in God’s hands, rather than constantly worrying about all of the things that could go wrong. This time around, having a c-section seemed like familiar territory to me. I had a wonderful experience (read Harper’s birth story here) & a really amazing recovery, so it made the decision pretty easy.

I had my 25 week appointment today, baby checked out great & the doctor informed me that even though it doesn’t officially matter quite yet, she is also breech. One of the worst parts about my pregnancy with Harper was the feeling of her head in between my lower ribs, always feeling like it was tearing through my upper abs, so I’m really looking forward to that again. My doctor also reminded me that if I do go into active labor before then, which would be uncharted waters for me, not to eat before we come to the hospital to have the c-section. He knows me all too well, I totally would have been slamming donut holes the whole drive there to ease my nerves.

The funny thing is, the rest of my pregnancy & the c-section aren’t really what scare me, it’s what happens next. What will life be like with a toddler & a newborn? I laughed the other day when Harper came barreling around the corner with a baby doll in each hand, hair in her face & her giant sparkly tote bag just barely hanging on her shoulder. Then I realized that was going to be me in just a few short months. I worry about how Harper will adjust & how our entire family dynamic will change, although, she loves babies more than anything so I guess I should be more worried about her taking her little sister into her teepee when I’m not looking.
I also went through some rough baby blues for the first two/three weeks after Harper was born. I was obviously incredibly happy & in love with her, but for some reason couldn’t help feeling sad all the time. I was sad that my belly was empty, I was sad that she was growing too fast, I wanted to go back to our hospital room & live there forever. I hated when anyone else held Harper, or even worse, when anyone told me to go take a nap or a shower, they may as well have told me to go jump off a bridge. I cried myself to sleep one night thinking that our cat didn’t think we loved her anymore. Holy shit. So  needless to say, I’m borderline terrified of that hormonal roller coaster ride.

Not to mention, breastfeeding. I shuddered at the sight of my pump the other day as I pulled it out of the closet (I exclusively pumped with Harper, post can be found here). I am praying for an easier experience this time around but at least I feel like I am going into it with a teeny tiny bit of knowledge, like that I should eat & actually allow myself to take naps, instead of running myself on empty.

So there you have it, a little bit of how I’m feeling today as baby girl has been dance partying in my belly since four this morning. Despite all of my fears (and thoughts of another round of post-partum hair loss), I really am over the moon excited for April. I mean, we can do anything with a little coffee & a baseball cap, right? 🙂 The countdown is on.


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